What is gratitude?
Gratitude is defined as the act of recognizing and appreciating the good things in one's life. It fosters a sense of thankfulness and produces positive feelings.
I have yet to meet a person who doesn't wish to feel "happy." It is a natural human instinct to run from pain and towards pleasure.
If you experience feelings of gratitude, you've more than likely been taught (or told) to "be grateful."
Practicing gratitude is actually a healthy coping skill which serves as a reminder that while you can not always have what you want, you always have the option to experience feelings of bliss as you remind yourself of all the wonderful things you already have to be grateful for.
If you are someone who practices gratitude, I am in no way suggesting that you stop. In fact, I think that it's one of life's most valuable skill. If you can be grateful at a loved one's funeral because you are more thankful for the time you shared with that person, rather than angry and upset about the time you've lost, you have armed yourself with an incredible ability. Life will undoubtedly surprise you with challenges, but is within your power to choose how you react.
When I was much younger, I was often told to "be grateful." What I realize now is that being told to be grateful is vastly different than being taught to practice gratitude. As a child, I heard this dreaded phrase whenever I didn't get what I wanted. And so I would say ok, and forget about the issue at hand. But was I actually thankful that I had to settle for the purple bicycle when I really had my eye on the pink one? Absolutely not. What my parents failed to understand is that you can't force another person to feel a certain way just by telling them to do so. Although it would be positively life-changing if we could cure depression just by telling the depressed person to "be happy," it seems still to be an impossible endeavor. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to choose how they'd like to feel in any given situation, a concept I didn't fully understand until many years after the above described bicycle incident. Of course, I now realize that the color of something is more or less irrelevant and I understand why my parents told me to be grateful in response to my incessant childish demands.
Unsure if it was my need for instant gratification, or the fact that I was told to "never settle for less," (an obvious contradiction to gratitude), but over the years I learned that I never need to settle for less that what I think I deserve.
Entitled? Maybe.
Although, 9 times out of 10 I received exactly what I wanted when I asked for it persistently. Compromises were sometimes needed, but I never walked away empty handed. I learned "ask and you shall receive," which I recently found out is actually a pretty well known quote!
I will forever be haunted by my family members with the memory of the Christmas Present Incident. When I was 13 or so, I did what any rational teenager would do and searched the internet for the absolute best and most expensive video camera I could find. I printed out it's picture, price tag and location and left the paper of great importance on my dad's night table, as a not so subtle hint as to what I wanted for Christmas.
The morning of December 25 of that year, I opened my wrapped present to discover a video camera. Immediately- my feeling of excitement was replaced with existential dread. The only logical response to that epic disappointment was to thank my parents for nothing and ask they replace it with the video camera that I originally wanted.
You see, gratitude is accepting reality as it is. There are moments when gratitude is absolutely necessary, but those moments don't come as often as we think. That Christmas; I expressed my dissatisfaction, I asked for a new video camera, and (much to my surprise) my parents obliged to my request. A few days later, I was presented with the video camera I really wanted.
Had I just "been grateful" for the video camera I unwrapped on Christmas morning, I may have learned to just settle for less.
Just accept things as they are.
There's nothing I can change about this so I might as well be happy that I asked for one thing, and received something completely different.
And that exact thought process, forcing myself to be grateful, would have resulted in a much different outcome.
It is moments like this that influence and eventually determine who we become. The satisfaction of fulfilling some desire that encourages us to take action, to speak up, to express our feelings and ask for what we want. While others settle for the feeling of gratitude, I refuse to settle for less.
My family retells this story to lovingly reminisce on the bratty teenager they once had to raise and the challenges they faced in doing so. What they have yet to realize is that my stubborness mistaken for spoiledness is actually the reason I am able to stand up for myself today. They "gave in" to my request, and in return I gained a valuable skill. This seemingly meaningless event widely contributes to my ability to overcome challenges, to debate, to ask for what I want despite the odds stacked against me, to be honest, and to not just accept reality as it is but to imagine a reality that's even better. And the best part of imagining a better reality? If you believe you can achieve it, you will work tirelessly towards it. What they actually did was provide me with the fascinating gift of hope.
If you're not careful, gratitude can lead to complacency.
And... is that really what you want?
What will encourage you to seek new opportunities for growth if you are in a constant state of complacency?
Often, we use gratitude as a way to suppress negative emotions, to accept what we are unable to change. We may even engage in this learned habit unconsciously, to escape unwanted feelings or as a way to avoid hurting the feelings of others.
It is extremely important to use critical thinking before resorting to such complacency.
Is it possible that your disappointment and frustration are trying to tell you something before you swiftly ignore and replace them with feelings of thankfulness?
Could there be any other solutions to your problem other than acceptance and gratitude?
As I mentioned earlier, gratitude is a very useful life skill. It can produce feelings of happiness in the face of adversity. It can and should be used, if used properly.
I practice gratitude during meditation and oftentimes throughout my day. Our expectations don't always align with reality and that's ok, but it's not a good reason to always resort to toleration and passivity. Balance is key.
You can have the life you think you deserve as long as you are willing to step out of the comfort zone gratitude brings and into the power you ultimately possess. In doing so, you just might find that you experience true gratitude; fleeting moments of internal peace in which you cannot help but feel overwhelmingly grateful that you are still breathing.
The odds of you being born are 1 in 400,000,000,000,000.
Yet, here you are.
This is YOUR life, make the most out of it.
